This me, part two. There are way more than two parts to me, but for right now, these are the two biggest parts. First: Mom and student. The second part is me. Huh? AS a mom I don’t always put myself first, hell, I’m lucky if I’m third, fourth, or fifth! Even being a student, yes that’s for me, but it’s also for my family and my future. Today it’s about me personally and the things I need to do for myself to be happy, healthy and satisfied.
Sometimes I buy myself treats. Nothing extravagant. One: I don’t need it and two, I can’t afford to anyway! So it’s things like a new purse, a little nicer than I usually buy, or maybe a nice teapot and some really good tea. My latest thing was deciding that I need to take care of myself, my body. Ugh, I got on the scale the other day for the first time in awhile and oh dear Lord, TEN pounds more than the last time I weighed myself! No wonder my jeans are really tight lately! I realized something very eye opening, at least for me. When I went back to school, I couldn’t look at how long it was going to take me, I had to just jump in and do it. When I got done, I got done. My weight has always been a struggle for me. I’ve had minor success along the way, but I always put the weight BACK ON, and then some. Today I weigh almost as much as I did just before I delivered the girls. That’s scary. I was carrying TWINS!! The ironic part of that though is that while I was pregnant with them, I was personally losing weight! Yup. I gained 30 lbs while I was pregnant with them and lost 60 when I had them, which means I lost 30 pounds WHILE I was pregnant. I lost another 20 or so after that, but as I just said, sadly I have put ALL of it back on plus. Not good.
What makes it easy for me to ignore (unfortunately) is that what I see inside my head is not nearly as bad as what is really in the mirror, and also medically, my health is actually pretty good! My numbers are all in the healthy range. Sugar, cholesterol, blood pressure, all good. Luckily there are some signs telling me that things aren’t as good as my brain thinks. I get tired really easily. Energy? Uhhh, no. Knees? Oh crap, if I have to bend down, it is torture to get back up! My body gets sore easily and my back hurts (Uhhh, yeah! It’s from the ALL that extra weight you idiot!)
I had somewhat of a revelation the other day. It’s been four years since I started school. I’m graduating in May. I didn’t think about WHEN that would happen, only that it would. I got frustrated along the way and wondered if it was all worth it. I needed pep talks from friends, family, faculty, advisors, anybody who would help, and I got through it. The revelation was, WHY couldn’t I apply this to my weight loss journey too? Weight Watchers tells you that all the time and I heard it, but I didn’t HEAR it. Do you know what I mean? Going to school, I really don’t do well with online classes. I NEED that interaction, the immediate feedback, the ability to ask questions and get answers now. THta’s how I felt about Weight Watchers too. I do much better when I go to meetings. Unfortunately, that’s just not an option right now. Just not in my budget. But, with a little rearranging, I can do the online program. I’ve done this program so many times that I know what I have to do but doing it on my own, there is no accountability to anyone but my brain and I can trick that very easily. My brain got smart though and said, Nope, not this time! This time you’re going to take it a step at a time, just like you did with school. Do online for now and if you can, go to meetings later. Hold yourself accountable, track the food, honestly and completely, the only one you’re lying to if you don’t is yourself!
Last night I made dinner for the three of us and made a Weight Watchers chicken recipe. The girls loved it. (Ryleigh’s throat is sore so she complained that the spices “burned” her throat but there wasn’t anything in it that was “spicy” in it!) The trick this time for being successful at this program is to make it something we all do, we all eat the same food, not a special meal for me and one for them. It’s finding the things I like and trying them in new ways. For now, it means avoiding my trigger foods: crunchy, salty, fatty chips and soft chewy candy.
The other thing I really need to watch out for is getting to the point where I just don’t care and I want it NOW and I want the chips or the Twizzlers. I have to be stronger than that and make sure that I have good alternatives on hand to get myself past that urge. I want and need to keep myself accountable. I have to take this one step at a time. The goal is there. I just need to remember that and at least keep it in sight, but not worry about how long it’s going to take to get there.